


Accept No Substitute

by Zhie



Category: The Lord of the Rings - All Media Types, The Lord of the Rings - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Bunniverse, Humor, Mathematics
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-14
Updated: 2014-05-14
Packaged: 2018-01-24 17:02:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,392
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1612658
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zhie/pseuds/Zhie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Haldir returns to Lothlorien, but who will teach his classes while he is away from Rivendell?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Accept No Substitute

**Author's Note:**

> This was started on July 24, 2005. Finished June 22, 2007. PG13 for slash situations and slightly horny Glorfindel hitting on clueless Erestor; story 100 here!
> 
> (story 100 here refers to that being the 100th story posted to the lotrfanfiction.com archive)

**Prologue**

“We knew that Haldir was not going to be able to stay forever.” Celebrian smiled, hoping this might make her husband’s disposition a little more cheerful. “Perhaps we can find someone to replace him. Surely, Glorfindel could teach the course.”

“Glorfindel has enough of a load with what he is teaching already, and the demands on him are much more physical. He already works longer hours than most.”

“What about Erestor?”

Elrond cringed. “If there is one thing I would not want him to instruct in-“

“Then let me do it. I am more than capable.”

“I thought you were going to journey to Lothlorien with your brother when he returns?” questioned Elrond. “Not that I would mind you staying here, but it has been many a year since you have seen your parents, and your brothers.”

“There you are! My brothers- my other brothers. Why not have one of them trade places with Haldir? They would be able to pick up right where he leaves off if we time this right,” said Celebrian. Elrond began to contemplate this, and without giving him time to think it over, Celebrian announced, “’Tis settled, then! I shall speak with mother immediately, my Lord husband. Orophin could use a vacation from the Golden Woods.” Kissing him on the cheek, Celebrian left the breakfast table before any objections could be made.

**Chapter 1**

“Everyone in there seats, quiet down, and no funny business.” Orophin walked through the rows of desks, zigzagging as he pleased. When he reached the podium at the front, he placed a leather case on the large table near the slate board that was affixed to the wall. A half-dozen sticks of chalk were resting on a small ledge beside a rag to clean the board. Picking up a piece of heavily used chalk, Orophin wrote something on the board, and underlined it. “Orophin is what you shall address me as, and- yes, you, with your hand up, wearing the questioning expression.”

“Excuse me, Master Orophin, but where is Master Haldir?” asked the young elleth. The class was comprised mostly of youthful elves in their early forties to mid-fifties. Most of them still had a very innocent look about them, including the twin sons of Lord Elrond, who sat beside one another in the second row.

“Bhh-tss-tss.” Orophin waved his hand and dismissed what had been said. “It is not ‘master’ anything. As for your former teacher, he had business he needed to attend to. Did he not tell you he was leaving?” Twenty-eight heads shook simultaneously, including Elladan and Elrohir, who looked a little hurt not to have known that their uncle was being replaced. “Well, he shall be back eventually. In the meantime, I will be your instructor. Now, where did you leave off in your lessons?” Orophin had moved so that he was in front of the desk, leaning against it with his hands steadying him on either side.

The same young lady from the back row raised her hand. “We were learning about circles, and how to measure them.”

“Excellent,” Orophin said, rubbing his hands together. “I always enjoy a little pi with my mathematics lecture.” Twenty-eight pairs of eyes stared up at him in bewilderment. “Right then. Circles. Around and around we go. Let us begin with the circumference. The circumference... is... the...” Orophin paused, watching the quills of the students moving synchronously as he spoke. At his pause, the quills stopped moving. “Are you... all writing down what I say?” he asked, waving a finger in the air as if he were taking notes with it.

Elladan raised his hand, and when he was called upon said, “Master Erestor requires that we write down everything that each of our instructors says. In the case we have any questions later, we can refer to our notes.”

“Right, I should have supposed he would have you do something silly like that,” mumbled Orophin to himself.

“I am sorry, could you repeat that?” asked a student by the windows as many of the others began to write Orophin’s last sentence.

“I said... the circumference of an object is equal to the weight of a horse whose length is half the distance of the trinomial.” Orophin watched in fascination as the quills moved once more, then stopped. “Rutabaga. Parsnip. Turnip.” Hiding his grin with a smirk, Orophin nodded to himself happily about his newfound powers. “Alright, tear that page out; I did that as a test to check your penmanship. Once I review your sheets, we shall begin the real lesson.” Walking down the aisles, he collected each of the pages, and was only given odd looks from his nephews. “Right, then. I would like you to review what you did last week, and we shall start in ten minutes.”

\- - -

“Adar?” Elladan bit his lip as his father looked up from the reports he was reading. “Adar, I do not mean to bother you, but would you mind helping us with something?” He continued to chew his lip while Elrond stood up and walked to the dining room table, where his sons had spread out their books and notes for their classes. “Adar, this new math is really stumping me.”

“New math?” Elrond sat down between his sons and motioned that the confusing problems be handed to him, which they were.

Fiddling with his quill, Elladan explained, “Orophin has been instructing us in a new system of mathematics. It is like a code of sorts; instead of numbers you use other things to represent what you are adding and subtracting and the like. For example...” Elladan pointed to the equations he had worked out already. “When one divides a cat by a rooster, they get a pig. And multiplying a chicken by a cinnamon roll will get you an ear of corn. But I am positively puzzled on what to do with the cow and the goat.”

Elrond’s expression was not one of delight as a father might have to know his sons were being educated in a subject few in Rivendell knew anything about, but rather extreme displeasure in thinking just what sort of damage Orophin had been able to cause in only three days. Before he could demand to know just how either of his sons could possibly think for even a moment that adding and subtracting barnyard animals from each other was an ordinary thing in mathematics, Elrohir leaned over and took the sheets from him.

“Here, El, but this is the last time I am showing you. You have to carry the goat before you do anything with the cow, otherwise, you have no balance on this side of the equation.” Elrohir made a few notations and then slid the papers back to his brother.

“Oh, of course!” Elladan breathed a sigh of relief. “Carry the goat. I should have known. I am sorry, Adar, never mind. I suppose I am just nervous when it comes to learning something new.”

Elrond, finding he was speechless at the moment, stood up and left for his office with plans to cancel his morning appointments.

\- - -

Orophin closed the door as the last of his pupils entered the room. “First, does anyone have any questions on last night’s homework? Yes, Calisil?”

Blushing slightly as she pushed her dark hair back behind her ears, the elleth said, “I do not really have a question, but I wanted to say, I really understand your math better than Master Haldir’s way of teaching things. It just makes so much more sense how you explain it.”

“Thank you,” Orophin said with a slight bow. “Anyone else? Right, please pass your assignment up to the front then, and-“ He looked up abruptly as the door to the room opened. “Master Elrond, to what do we owe this visit?”

“Oh, please, please, do not mind me, not at all.” Finding an empty desk, Elrond sat down and waved his hand. “Please, pretend I am not here. I just came to see this new math that is all the rage.”

Orophin held the challenging gaze of Elrond for only a few seconds before giving a shrug. “Well then, let us begin.” On the board, Orophin wrote:

 

If horse is not equal to donkey

And donkey is equal to ass

But horse is ½ house

Prove the following:

Donkey + ass = horse

Donkey + ass + ass = house

Orophin held up the chalk. “Do I have a volunteer?” When no one raised their hand, he said, “Ah, perhaps Lord Elrond might want to give this one a go.”

Suddenly caught off-guard, Elrond shook his head. “Oh, no, really, we should let the children figure this one out.”

“Oh, it is just a warmer,” Orophin said with a flutter of his hand. “I am sure you already know the answer to it. Here, take up and try it.”

“I would... oh, my! Is that Master Erestor calling? He sounds terribly... needing of something. Well, it was a pleasure; I shall not keep you from the lesson...” Mumbling this on his way out, Elrond swiftly closed the door and slid into the nearest classroom, this being Lindir’s music class, while Orophin smirked to himself and called upon a volunteer.

**Chapter 2**

“You want me to spy on him.”

“What I want for you to do,” Elrond said in a low voice while swirling his wine, “is make sure that he is teaching a legitimate class. I do not need two dozen irate parents coming after me because of some farce.”

“You want me to spy on him.” Glorfindel reached across the dinner table for another roll. Across from him sat Erestor, listening to every word but not commenting upon any of it. “I have a free period midweek; I can stop in and see what he is doing then. Is that soon enough?”

“It’s not spying, it is...” Elrond looked to his right. Erestor glanced up and swallowed a mouthful of peas.

“Glorfindel, he wants you to spy on Orophin. As soon as possible,” Erestor continued as Elrond rolled his eyes. “Midweek should be fine.”

Glorfindel smiled and buttered his roll. “As you wish,” he answered.

\- - -

“So... how is you secret assignment going?” questioned Lindir as Glorfindel slid into the music room. Glorfindel was barely able to suppress a chuckle.

“Oh, he is pulling it out of his ass, forgive me, Lindir,” he answered, brushing the chalk off of his hands. “I suppose he could say he is teaching algebra, but then some of it is absolute gibberish. I thought I would pop in here before I went to Elrond, though, not that Orophin is not suspicious already, I am sure of that. Two visits in a week’s time, he must be wondering.”

“Two? No, three,” answered Lindir as he wiped the dust of rosin from a violin and then hung it upon a shelf.

Glorfindel counted off one finger for himself, and a second for Elrond. “Who else interrupted his lessons?”

“Erestor. Two days ago, I believe. He came in here just like Elrond did before, and you now. If it were up to me, I would say keep Orophin – I have never had so much traffic before.” Looking the warrior up and down, Lindir asked, “Speaking of that, it has been a while since you have been down for a lute lesson.”

“Ah...” Glorfindel attempted to come up with some sort of really great excuse as to why he had been unable, but ever since the duel with the balrog, finding a reasonable excuse for anything was nearly impossible. Luckily for him, yet another elf burst into the room. “Erestor! Fancy meeting you here, what brings you to this part of the school?”

“Glorfindel, I need you.” Erestor turned and shut the door behind him, locking it, completely missing the pleasantly surprised look on Glorfindel’s face, and the silent snicker from Lindir. Turning around to find two utterly composed elves, Erestor held out a stack of papers, and with a distraught look on his fair face, he said, “I have never done this before, but I know how experienced you are, and I need you to teach me how to do it.”

Lindir spun around, grabbing hold of a bass viol, pretending his best that he was doing something very important with it, while in fact he was merely using it to keep himself standing. Glorfindel cleared his throat and licked his lips, taking the papers he had been offered. “What is all this?” he asked trying to sort through the pages of gibberish.

“It is from Orophin’s class, next door,” whispered Erestor, as if Orophin could perhaps hear them. “It is the assignment for next week. I had someone ask me a question about it, and I felt like such an idiot. I do not know a thing about anything mathematical, I can barely count past one-hundred and forty-four,” he said sadly. “I know you are busy, and, oh, never mind, this is just stupid to ask.” Erestor tried to take the papers away from Glorfindel, but he held tightly onto them.

With a soft smile, Glorfindel said, “It would be a pleasure to help you with this new math, Erestor. Just let me, uh, reacquaint myself with some of the principles, and I shall meet you tonight, perhaps in the Hall of Fire after dinner?”

“Oh, no. Not there. I really do not want anyone else to know...”

“I shall come to your rooms then,” Glorfindel said casually, tucking the papers under his arm. “Right after supper,” he promised.

“Oh, thank you, Glorfindel,” said Erestor, a wave of relief washing over him. He squeezed Glorfindel’s arm and said, “I will see you tonight. Thanks again.” Erestor let himself out of the room, closing the door again once he had left.

“You can breathe again, Lindir,” suggested Glorfindel. Lindir’s limp form slid down from the side of the viol as he gasped for air and pounded the floor, still silent in his laughter. “Give it a rest. I knew he was not talking about... well... THAT.”

“But you are letting your mind think that he was,” Lindir scolded as he grinned mirthfully.

Glorfindel unconsciously licked his lips again. “I am letting my mind think all KINDS of-“ He stopped himself as the door was opened once again. “Erestor? Something the matter?”

“Well, I just remembered,” Erestor said in a hushed voice, checking back over his shoulder. “I have a late meeting with Elrond. So after dinner will not be any good.”

“Oh.” Trying not to show his disappointment, Glorfindel was about to suggest another day, when Erestor continued, “You would not mind coming later, would you? After dark?” Glorfindel blinked a few times, and Erestor frowned. “Sorry, that was rather rude of me to ask your help, and then suggest you come so very late. Perhaps-“

“Late is good. Fine. Yes, I can come. That is, I will be there.”

Lindir had to double himself over so that Erestor did not see the look on his face.

“Dear me, are you well, Lindir?” questioned Erestor, looking rather worried.

“I... I just dropped a reed from a tuba... nothing to worry about... ah, there it is.” Grabbing at the nothingness in the rug, Lindir stood up and took the imaginary object around the corner into his office.

Staring the way that Lindir had gone, Erestor said to himself, “I think sometimes he works too hard.” To Glorfindel, he said, “Well, I shall see you tonight, then. Thank you again, Glorfindel.”

Glorfindel was barely able to nod as Erestor left again. He turned his head to shoot a glare in Lindir’s direction as the minstrel poked out from around the corner. “Have you so little self control?”

Lindir grinned and nodded his head, and snorted when he tried to speak. The door opened yet again, and Lindir sobered, bowing slightly. “Lord Elrond, twice in one week. I might almost think you were interested in a few more violin lessons.”

“Oh... well... yes, but... not at the moment,” Elrond said quickly, not about to be caught off guard by yet another of the instructors. “Glorfindel, I was awaiting your report on, ah, that THING we discussed.”

“Oh… ah… oh! Oh, that, that thing! Yes... yes... ah, everything appears to be in order-“

“What?!” Elrond crossed his arms over his chest. “You can NOT be serious.”

“-but, I think I may need a little more time to figure things out. We cannot rush into conclusions without enough information, can we?” Glorfindel tried not to look nervous as he showed the papers that he was holding to Elrond. “I have been taking careful notes- I plan to study them this evening with the aide of Master Erestor. I promise you, between the two of us, we shall get to the bottom of this.”

Elrond nodded with appeasement. “I have complete trust in the both of you. Keep me informed. Lindir.” Elrond gave a nod, and then left, and once again the door was closed.

Lindir merely stood and pointed for the next three or four minutes while Glorfindel sighed repeatedly and tossed unamused looks in his direction. “Done yet?” After numerous attempts to answer vocally, Lindir was barely able to shake his head. “Good. You will be less trouble to me if you just stay in here.” Glorfindel swept his hair back over his shoulder as he approached the door. “Now, if you will excuse me, Lindir... I have a date...”

**Chapter 3**

“I am just not getting this.” Erestor looked over the papers, most of them littered with scribbles of black and smudges of ink. “This is hopeless. Why am I unable to understand it?”

Glorfindel wanted to say ‘because it is all fake’, but he held his tongue. “Well, I think it might be because you are unfamiliar with old math. You need to learn the... basics. The… fundamentals.” Glorfindel pushed aside the made up equations Orophin had assigned to his class and put a fresh piece of paper in front of Erestor. “To understand the fifth dimensional angles Orophin is teaching,” Glrofindel said, trying hard not to laugh at the nonsense he was saying, “you have to understand simple angles to start.”

Standing up, Glorfindel circled around and stood behind Erestor. “This,” he said, leaning over the counselor’s shoulder and making two lines on the paper, “is a right angle. There is only one way to draw a right angle.”

“And... that means all other angles are wrong?” questioned Erestor, studying the paper.

Glorfindel opened his mouth, then bit his tongue, then answered, “Not exactly. Some are just... more useful than others.” He drew another pair of lines on the page. “This is an angle of forty-five degrees, or thereabouts.”

“How can you tell?” asked Erestor.

“Well, you see, you can fit the forty-five degree angle into the ninety degree angle,” explained Glorfindel, drawing a line out from the center of the first angle. “Twice.”

“Barely,” Erestor countered, peering closer. “Oh, wait, because you add forty-five and forty-five and get ninety, that is how!”

“Exactly,” answered Glorfindel, quite proud that Erestor had figured this small thing out on his own. Erestor’s next comment made him frown.

“So what? Big deal, you can fit two of them in. What does it matter? I don’t see what reason I need to know about angles for,” he scowled.

Picking up a piece of muddled paper, Glorfindel folded it in half and then positioned the sheet so that the fold spread out in a ninety degree angle. “If you observe- the angle at ninety degrees looks as if it would be quite sturdy. If one of the sides is on the ground, the other stays upright. But if you turn it like this…” He placed the edge upon the table, and demonstrated how there was no support. “... it just falls over.” The two sides spread out, the angle no longer holding. “Now, a forty-five degree angle, here you can see, it can sustain itself, it’s a little stronger overall.” He tented the paper, displaying how it stayed steady.

“I still do not understand,” admitted Erestor.

Wadding up the paper and returning to his seat, Glorfindel mumbled, “I was afraid of that.”

With an exasperated sigh, Erestor shrugged. “I am just terrible at this, there is no other excuse for it. My mind is just not mathematical. I have just wasted your entire evening. I suppose I should just give up on it,” he said, looking over the table apologetically at Glorfindel, who was rubbing the back of his neck. “Sorry, that is probably my fault, too.” Erestor reached across the table and placed his hand over the back of Glorfindel’s neck after pushing his hand aside. “Better?” he asked as he gently kneaded Glorfindel’s taut skin.

Relaxing for a few moments and reveling in the decadent touch, Glorfindel suddenly grasped Erestor’s hand. “Look at your arm, how it is perpendicular to your body. Do you see what it is?”

“Uh...” But Erestor didn’t have to figure it out.

“It is a ninety degree angle.” Glorfindel, taking what opportunity he could, reached forward and slid his hand over Erestor’s arm, then down his side. “This is a ninety degree angle,” he said, and a few more times his hand traveled the path, as if he was merely pointing this out so that there would be no doubt in the matter. Taking hold of Erestor’s hand, he pulled him out of his seat and tugged him around behind his chair. “Now, from where you are standing, place your hand on my neck.”

“A forty-five degree angle,” Erestor realized as he did what Glorfindel asked.

“Yes! Now, think about it- how long could you maintain rubbing my neck from in your chair? Not very long, I would wager,” Glorfindel answered for him. “But a forty-five degree angle, you could hold that a little longer. See how much more practical it is?”

Erestor began to rub Glorfindel’s neck again. “I think I get it. I think I finally got it,” he said happily. “But then... why would a right angle be a right angle? It does not seem as if there is anything right about it.”

“Well, actually-“ But before he could explain just how right a right angle could be, Glorfindel was interrupted by a knock on the door.

**Chapter 4**

Elrond was now pacing Erestor’s room, as he had been for the past twenty minutes. He had just explained that his sons had come home that evening to practice their math lessons, and asked for his assistance. Elrond was pleased to hear they were learning about probability and statistics, and appalled when he found out they were playing poker in class. “This is just not working. Despite the fact he is teaching something innovative, I will not have the children gambling.”

“But were they really gambling? Using money?” asked Erestor.

“They are children. They have no money. No, he had them using jelly beans. Which is completely beside the point.”

“Using jelly beans to play a game is hardly going to turn the youth of the city into hardcore gamblers,” argued Glorfindel. “However,” he amended as Elrond gave him a lengthy glare, “it does seem highly unsanitary. I will address this issue tomorrow.”

“I will address the issue,” corrected Elrond. “Orophin is obviously unsuitable for this position.”

“If we get rid of Orophin, someone is going to need to teach the class,” said Erestor.

Elrond nodded. “A message has been sent to Lothlorien. I have requested that Haldir return immediately. Until he is back, Glorfindel, you will need to teach the math courses.”

“Who, me?” Glorfindel shook his head. “No, I am not a lecturer, and you know that. My classes are best taught on a training field. I have no skill behind a podium.”

“Your recruits will be placed in Orophin’s care. I do know that he is more than capable as an archery instructor. As soon as Haldir returns, you can rejoin your recruits.”

Something of a subdued whimper came from Glorfindel, but he did not argue further. Instead, it was Erestor who came to his aid. “So, let me be sure I am entirely clear on this. You are going to remove Orophin from a room where we can at least watch what he is doing with these jellybeans you seem so concerned about, and we are instead going to put him in an open area, with lots and lots of sharp, pointy objects. Are you bored, by chance, Elrond? Not enough work for you in the infirmary?”

Mouth open slightly and eyes narrowed just so, Elrond took a moment to contemplate this. Then, he turned to Glorfindel. “Erestor has a valid point. I would rather end up with a generation that cannot add properly than a company of soldiers aiming their arrows in my direction in jest. See if you can talk to him and get him to do something else until his brother returns.”

“I will do what I can,” promised Glorfindel. “In the meantime, do you want me to come and help Elladan and Elrohir with their lessons, or are you content with continuing to play dealer?”

Elrond shook his head. “Orophin had better hope none of his students end up with gambling addictions before he leaves.”

“What about after he leaves?” wondered Glorfindel with a smirk.

“Those, I will blame on you. Good night,” Elrond said with a mirthful look at his captain before he retired for the evening.

\- - -

The next morning, Glorfindel went to Orophin’s classroom an hour early, to be sure to avoid the students. He ended up waiting nearly fifty minutes before the substitute showed up. It happened to make him a little grumpier than he was when he arrived – Elrond’s unexpected appearance had cut any chance he had for spending any further time with Erestor.

“Glorfindel, what a surprise! To what do I owe the—“

“You can stop right there, Orophin. I know what you are up to. Elrond is getting an idea of things as well, and least of all does he appreciate the use of gambling in your class.”

“But you were the one who suggested I come up with something a little more practical,” Orophin reminded the Vanya as he arranged his roster on the podium and put fresh chalk in the tray.

“There is a difference between being innovative, and being ridiculous. You are walking on the line between them right now, and I suggest that you stop with the poker. Please. Elrond is talking about replacing you,” he added when Orophin pretended not to be listening.

Looking up in a very serious manner now, Orophin said, “Today, we were going to work on fractions and percentages. There will be no poker, and nothing that resembles gambling – but I suggest, if Elrond fears them using candies as their ante, he reconsider some of the other games the children around here play.”

“What are you talking about?”

“Go and listen to some of the songs the children sing when they skip rope, or watch them pretend to kill one another with sticks for swords. Did you know there is a popular game that elflings play called ‘Balrog Slayer’? I can see by your reaction you did not know. Now, if you will excuse me, I see my pupils are beginning to arrive, and I have a lesson to teach them.” Orophin gave a very pointed look at the door.

Glorfindel, not about to begin a harsh exchange of words with the students arriving turned to leave. “Thank you for your cooperation with adhering to the rules set forth by the Oropher Memorial Academy of Higher Learning!” he cheerfully called out as he left the room. He then went to track down some young ones to see if he could find out about this mysterious ‘Balrog Slayer’ game.

Orophin waited until Glorfindel had gone before he took his favorite spot behind the desk. He propped his feet atop the stacks of papers yet to be graded from the first lesson on and when the last student entered, motioned that they should shut the door.

“Good morning, class, so good to see all of you and your bright, shining faces!” Orophin noticed some lint on his tunic and flicked at it until it drifted off onto the floor. “Today, I have two special treats for you. First, there will be no homework this evening!”

This was met by many cheers from the class. “And, the other?” asked Elrohir.

“The other, is that today, we are going to work on a new subject. How many of you have experience in fractions?” Two hands timidly rose up. “Spectacular. And how many of you have done anything with percentages?” Both hands dropped back down. “Well, I think we are all going to benefit immensely from this lesson.”

Opening the desk drawer, Orophin brought his legs down and pulled out a lemon. He then brought out a small knife and a cutting board. “Now, this,” he said, holding the fruit up as he stood, “is a ‘whole’ lemon. We could say this is ‘one’ lemon. We could also say that this is 1/1 lemon.” Orophin went to the board, and wrote:

1 = 1/1

“The number on the bottom is the total number of pieces, and the number on top is the number of pieces you have. We have, one lemon,” he said, holding up the fruit, “and, we have all of the parts of it. Of course, it is easier to say one, and not one-oneth. That would be silly, and people would think you were either being much too precise, or that you were trying to show you were smarter than they were – or they might think you were doing both, in which case, they would think you were Erestor. And none of use wants to be mistaken for that!”

As the class laughed, Orophin cut the lemon down the center. “Now, I have two pieces. If I give Elladan this piece,” he said, handing the peredhel one of the chunks, “how many would you say he has?”

“He has one,” said Elrohir.

“Yes, but as a fraction. Remember, he has one piece, but it is only a part of the whole,” prompted Orophin.

Calisil raised her hand. “He has one-over-two, because there are two parts.”

“Very good. You could more commonly say, he has one-half. If I cut my piece again, and give it to you,” said Orophin, doing so and handing it to Calisil, “then how much do you have?”

“One-third?” she guessed.

“Close... I have one piece, and you have one piece, but Elladan has two pieces; his are still just connected.”

Everyone looked around, puzzled, until Elrohir snapped his fingers. “Sure, I get it! Your pieces and Calisil’s piece, put together, are equal to Elladan’s. Cut Elladan’s in two, and each of his pieces are equal to one of yours. So Calisil has one-quarter!”

“Excellent! Excellent,” repeated Orophin. He took the lemon slices back from Elladan and Calisil and brought them to the cutting board, where he chopped Elladan’s piece in half, and then reached into his desk for another lemon. “For today’s lesson, we need to be in groups of four. When you get into your group, you will move three or four desks together in a line, put three chairs on one side, and have one of your group mates stand on the other side.”

“What if we have three?” asked Elladan, looking about and unable to find a fourth for his group.

“Then you get me,” said Orophin cheerfully.

**Chapter 5**

“I have some good news, and some bad news,” announced Elrond when Erestor and Glorfindel met him for lunch. “Haldir will not be able to return yet, however, Rumil is being sent in his stead. Galadriel seems confident that he can teach much better than Orophin can.”

“That is a relief. I am sure that Rumil will do whatever you ask of him,” ensured Erestor.

Glorfindel snickered. “You say that only because he is your son-in-law,” he said, referring to the fact that Rumil was married to Erestor’s adopted daughter, Nenniach.

Erestor shrugged. “Perhaps. But as my son-in-law, he WILL do whatever it is that Elrond asks of him, trust in that.”

Elrond closed his eyes and rubbed his tired lids. “As long as no permanent damage occurs, I—“ Elrond frowned.

“Something the matter?” Glorfindel had to turn around, for he was facing the direction opposite Elrond and Erestor, who were both moving their heads slowly as they watched something. Glorfindel found that the ‘something’ was Orophin whistling as he carried a wooden crate from one end of the room to the other, far from where they sat. It seemed his load was not a light one from the way he repositioned it twice before he left. “Well, that was odd,” mumbled Glorfindel as he turned back.

“That was one of the crates from the wine cellar,” noted Erestor. Elrond was already standing up.

Glorfindel wiped his hands on his napkin before depositing it onto the table. “It certainly is odd that he would have such a large quantity.”

“Have either of you seen Elladan or Elrohir today?” questioned Elrond as the trio walked toward the door Orophin had disappeared through. Both of his counselors shook their heads. “What did you say he was lecturing on today, Glorfindel?”

“Fractions and percentages. Maybe I should have posted a guard at the door.”

Down the hallway they went, following the faint sounds of the whistling. It stopped as they heard a door open, and Orophin announce, “Time for advanced lessons!”

\- - -

“I am... truly and thoroughly disappointed,” scolded Elrond as he paced back and forth behind his desk. Orophin sat lazily in the chair before him, focusing more on some point on the wall than on the Elven-lord. “I should have expected some silliness and deviation, but nothing so stupid as this! Do you know, it is very possible those children could have alcohol poisoning?”

Orophin snorted, making Elrond stand up straight and cross his arms over his chest. “And just what amuses you so?”

“You keep calling them children, and yet, they are all above their majority. If we were in times of war, none of those ellyn would be sitting behind desks taking notes, they would be in armor on the front. Most of the ellyth would be married and either pregnant or caring for one child, maybe even two. None of them are children. A few drinks were not going to hurt them.”

“If you want to establish your own realm and come up with your own rules, Orophin, by all means do so, but do not wreak havoc in mine! I have never had to expel a student before, and I honestly never thought I would have a need to expel an instructor!”

“Well, obviously, you underestimated me! Furthermore, you cannot ‘expel’ me, for I quit!” Orophin stood up, sniffed as he turned his head and announced, “I shall leave this minute for Lothlorien, and return to a place where I am appreciated!”

Elrond barely had time to roll his eyes before the door was slammed shut. He sunk down into his chair and rubbed his sore head. After having to explain to twenty-six other parents that Orophin’s lesson went awry because he thought the bottles he was using were filled with water and juice (which was an utter lie, and Elrond hated to tell it over and over, but it was that or have everyone in an uproar – Orophin still was his brother-in-law, despite his lack of intelligence), Elrond had to see to his own sons. Elrohir was sitting on the couch giggling himself into fits of coughing, while Elladan he found curled up on the floor of the restroom, throwing up in the chamber pot. If it wasn’t so serious, Elrond might have found a little humor in it himself.

Instead, after getting Elrohir to drink a mug of coffee and settling them both on the couch with a warm fire in the hearth, Elrond turned to disciplining Orophin. He bowed his head onto his desk and let it rest there for a few minutes, thinking about how much easier it would be if only his wife was there to take care of their sons, and if Haldir was there to keep the incident from ever happening. In fact, the more that happened, the more Elrond was beginning to appreciate Haldir more than he had.

A sudden knock on the door made him raise his head. “Yes?”

Erestor opened the door slightly and peered in. “May I interrupt?”

Elrond nodded and motioned to the chair Orophin had previously been sitting in. After closing the door behind him, Erestor entered and sat fluidly down in the chair. “I spoke with the other instructors, and we agreed that instead of pausing the class that we will work a schedule of related topics and each take a day. Lindir will take the class tomorrow and discuss how math is related to the creation of musical compositions, Glorfindel will be the day after talking about the uses of math when it comes to being a military officer, both in battle and planning, and so on. We have a full schedule worked out for the next two weeks, and that should be enough time for Rumil to arrive and take over.”

A sheet was slid over the table from Erestor to Elrond, who looked it over briefly. His complete trust in Erestor meant he had little to worry about regarding the schedule. “I will be very happy when Haldir returns,” he admitted.

“He is reliable, but I think you will find that Rumil will fit in well until Haldir returns.”

“Yes, but Rumil is not much older than the students he will be teaching. I worry a little that after Orophin’s techniques, he will have difficulty controlling them.” Elrond sighed. “Even after all of that, as I was cleaning up the third round of ‘what did Elladan eat for breakfast’, my sons were both insisting I not send Orophin away! They still think him a better teacher than Haldir!”

With a nod, Erestor added, “I worry that Haldir may have the same trouble. Glorfindel and I have an idea on how we can get things back to normal.”

“Really?”

“We just need your permission.”

Elrond’s right brow rose in concern.

“Just so that you know what is going on.”

Nodding, Elrond settled back in his chair. “You have my full attention.”

**Chapter 6**

It had been sixteen days since the ‘Infamous Orophin Incident’ at the Oropher Memorial Academy of Higher Learning. The students were abuzz as they took their places, and although they had enjoyed the two weeks of freedom from pop quizzes and exponential numbers, they were hoping to return to the lessons they had expected to be getting. “It would be great if Haldir was back,” commented Calisil dreamily.

“It would be even better if Orophin were still here,” countered Elrohir. Most of the class tended to agree.

At the exact second class was to begin, the door was opened sharply. All of the pupils turned to look as their new teacher marched smartly down the main aisle. He stopped when he encountered a satchel that had leaned over into the aisle. “What,” he asked pointedly, tapping it with his boot, “is THIS doing here?”

“Sorry, it has my lunch in it,” apologized the student whom it belonged to. He reached down to move it out of the way, but the riding crop in Rumil’s hand slapped down and struck the bag, making the student jump in his seat.

“There is to be no food in my classroom,” said Rumil in a stern, even voice.

The student’s eyes widened. “But... it is only my lunch. M-my Nana made it for me.”

Glaring down at the student, Rumil demanded, “Is your Nana here?”

“Uhm... no?”

“No, she is not. Because when you are in my class, I am your Nana and I am your Ada. Are you clear on that?”

“Y-yes...”

“I said, are you clear on that?!”

“Yes!” The youngling looked as if he was about to wet himself, and he swallowed hard. Many of the other students giggled.

Rumil turned his head sharply. “Something funny? Something anyone wants to write a two-thousand page essay about?”

“You mean, two-thousand words,” corrected Calisil.

In an instant, Rumil was standing in front of her desk, staring straight at her, eyes unblinking. “I know what I said, and I meant what I said. Do you need something better to do than correct people, little miss know-it-all?”

“No, sir.”

“Maybe a two-thousand page essay?”

“No, sir.”

“Maybe I should make it three-thousand, just for you, considering just what a know-it-all in-tell-ect you happen to be. Is that it?”

“N-no, sir!”

“You think you are smarter than me?”

“No, sir!”

“Then sit there, and keep your mouth shut.” Rumil turned away from the now sniffling, lip-trembling elleth to the ellyn fumbling to keep his sack upright. “And you! Get that food out of here! Now!”

Rumil made his way to the front as Calisil buried her face in her hands and the flustered ellyn took his sack out of the room. He threw the riding crop onto the desk, followed by the bag he brought with him. “Are you crying?” demanded Rumil as he took two books out of his own satchel.

Calisil tried to answer, but she merely whimpered and shook her head, wiping desperately at her tears.

“Good. There is no crying in mathematics. Now, where did you leave off?”

Onto the desk, Rumil tossed one of the books. The spine had thick golden writing on it, and everyone could see it was titled ‘The Life and Times of the Great Kinslayers’. He put the other on the podium and opened it up. When no one spoke or raised their hands, Rumil said, “Well, it seems whatever you learned you have completely forgotten during your two week hiatus. Thus we shall start over at the beginning.”

Rumil went back to his bag and pulled out a smaller sack. Then he walked to a small table in the corner and pulled it with ease to the front of the room. It was now that the ellyn from earlier reentered. Looking up, Rumil shouted, “No latecomers. You can come back tomorrow.”

“What? But I--!”

“Class begins on time. I am here on time, you need to be here on time.”

“But I—“

“Out, or do you want to fail the entire term?”

Confused, and not knowing what else to do, the ellyn picked up his slateboard and book and left the room. Elladan and Elrohir exchanged worried glances. They had not seen Rumil for a few years, and wondered if he had always been this way, or if it was a new development.

“So, we are going to start with a little addition. Miss know-it-all, you get to answer this one, owing to your being so smart. And there is an incentive to getting the answer right,” he added. “Each wrong answer someone gives, we stay another ten minutes after class. Each question someone refuses to answer is an hour. Everyone understand that?” Reluctantly, twenty-seven heads bobbed up and down.

Rumil reached into the sack and felt around for a moment. “Now, let us say I happen to be in the forest hunting orc, and I kill four of them and chop off their ears.” Onto the table, Rumil dumped a handful of shriveled up pieces of reddish-brown skin, slightly pointed at one end and curved at the other. Many of the students frowned or grimaced, while a few of the ellyn grinned or leaned forward for a closer look.

“The next day,” continued Rumil, “I go into the same forest and encounter four more orcs and chop off their ears as well.” He dropped another handful onto the table. “If I added together all of their ears, how many would I have?”

Calisil rubbed her nose, gave a little sniffle, and said, “You would have sixteen altogether.”

“Would I?” Rumil waited until Calisil nodded. “Let us find out if you are right.” He picked up the first pile and began to count them, dropping them back to the table as he did so. “One, two three, four five, six... seven, and eight.” He moved to the second pile and counted this in the same manner. “One, two... three, four, five, six, seven.” He went to the board as Calisil’s mouth fell open in defeat and wrote:

8 + 7 = 15

“Oh, off by one. Terrible thing, that, but I only have fifteen orc ears.”

“But...” Calisil clenched her fists atop her desk in frustration. “But you have four orcs and then four orcs and each of them has two ears, which makes sixteen!”

“Ah, but you assume that they all had two ears. Not every orc has two ears. A lot of them get hungry and lop one off for protein. I see it all the time.”

“Are those your souvenirs or something?” asked Elladan, who was both disgusted and intrigued. “Like, trophies of war?”

Rumil gave Elladan the oddest look, as if the young one had an extra growth of a head on his shoulder. “That would be very wasteful. No, no, these are not trophies,” announced Rumil as he picked one up. “This is my lunch.” He shoved one into his mouth and chewed on it happily. “Ah, there is nothing in the morning like a little orc to get you going.” He picked one up and held it out to Elladan. “Care to try one?”

Leaning back away from it, Elladan shook his head furiously. “No. No, thank you.”

“Oh, no, please, I insist. In fact, I think I have enough for everyone, so if you do very well, we will have a little celebration at the end of the class and all of us will have an orc ear. How does that sound?”

\- - -

“Oh, you did no such thing!” chuckled Erestor. Glorfindel and Elrond were both suffering from laughing attacks, wiping tears from their eyes as Rumil told the story of the day’s events.

Grinning mischievously, Rumil nodded. “I had to keep up the appearance of it. No worries, though, it was only some pork rind that was baked. They are a little chewy and a little crispy without a lot of flavor, but nothing to harm anyone.”

“Did you save any for me?”

The small group, who was meeting privately in Glorfindel and Erestor’s study for dinner, looked to see Haldir at the doorway. “I thought you were not coming for another three months! It is so good to see you!” Elrond quickly regained his composure and air of regality as he stood and motioned to another seat. “It is a pleasant surprise to see you here.”

“When I found out from Nana and Celebrian what was going on, I decided it might be best for me to return sooner rather than later. I left two days behind Rumil, but I pushed the horse to get here as fast as I could.” Haldir sat down and helped himself to some of the food that was spread out. “So, how bad is it?”

“Oh, pretty bad, but that might be my fault,” grinned Rumil. “Good to see you, brother... enjoy the meal and I will fill you in on the details.”

**Epilogue**

“I think maybe we should drop the course.”

“El, we worked so hard. There are only six weeks left.” Elladan looked nervously at the door when a creak was heard, and let out his breath when no one entered. “I think we should stick it out.”

“With Master Rumil, the psycho dictator substitute from Mandos? My mother was right; I should have taken Advanced Embroidery instead!” Calisil had chosen to relocate herself to a seat in the back corner of the room, where she had her arms hugged around her stomach and looked positively ill.

There were many nods of agreement, including one from the ellyn who had been scolded the day before. Again, a noise was heard at the door, and all of the students held their breath.

“Good morning, everyone!” Haldir’s voice was cheerful, yet a little tired. “Forgive me, but I rode all night to get back here in time for class this morning and have had little sleep. I hope you will not mind if we cut the lesson short today.”

Elrohir rubbed his eyes. “El, pinch me, I think I see Uncle Haldir.”

“I see him, too, but... alright!” Elladan gave his brother a painful little pinch on his wrist, making him yelp.

“Now, now, none of that, boys,” said Haldir as he passed between them on his way to the front. He picked up the book Rumil had left the day before, frowned when he read the title, and tossed it into the trash bin. “Who here is ready to learn about... circumferences?”

Twenty-eight hands shot up into the air. “As long as you are teaching it, Master Haldir, I think we care very little what we are learning about!” said Elladan, and from the smiles, it was obvious he was speaking for the entire class.

Haldir walked to the board and picked up a piece of chalk, using it to draw a circle. He turned to face the class again and frowned a little. “Hmm... something seems a little out of place.” He glanced at the empty seat in the front row, and then scanned the room. “Where is my star pupil?”

With a bright smile, Calisil gathered her things and practically ran back to the spot where she usually sat. Haldir nodded to her with a warm smile, and then went back to the board. “Before we begin, I just wanted to say that I am very happy to be back.”

“And we are very, very happy to have you back,” said Elladan.

“You have no idea how happy,” added Elrohir.

Looking at the class, Haldir only tilted his head to the side and shrugged. When he was facing the board once more, he let a smile play upon his lips.


End file.
